By Barbara Krantz, Hospice of Havasu Bereavement Counselor
Many of us will grieve in our unique ways according to the circumstances of the death, the relationship and many other variables but often do not realize that veteran’s grief is more complex than the average person. Veterans experience grief differently due to training in the military and may have had an upbringing where emotions were not tolerated in the home. They often will grieve differently than most and may not openly express their grief. It is common for many veterans to only share what they are experiencing or feeling with other veterans instead of loved ones and that stems from the understanding of what military life entails. We sometimes often hear others say, “Why don’t they get emotional or they don’t seem to care about the loss?”
Some things to factor in how our veterans grieve is what they have been trained to do and one of those things is to turn off their emotions due to the nature of their training for the military. We cannot allow our service members to be emotional when they are in war because this could alter a life or death moment for them or others around them. I assure there is more going on than meets the eye with your loved ones who are veterans. What we can do is to support them and be present with them and acknowledge their grief however, they choose to express or not express it. Some common responses in veterans’ grieving are: withdrawing, lashing out at others, ruminating about death, addiction issues, insomnia, aches and pains, fatigue, panic attacks, anxiety, anger, depression, loss of faith, loss of interest, and detachment from loved ones to name just a few.
Often our veterans have experienced many horrors during their time of service that many of us are unaware of. Some things to factor when providing support to a veteran: did they know someone who died of suicide, survival guilt, were they in a war and witness combat deaths, or did they watch someone they cared about die in combat? Many of us cannot even begin to know or understand the difficulty of grief that a veteran is feeling. What we do know about grief is that the more death an individual experiences or witnesses the more intense and complicated the grief is. It is important for us to be understanding and compassionate towards our veterans. We need to encourage veterans to reach out for support and remind them it is okay to express their grief. Please remember to be patient and encourage them to seek out trusted individuals to talk to whether is the VA, a friend, a counselor, or a family member. Even though veterans may express their grief differently let’s remember to keep in mind they may be processing it and expressing it differently than us.